Archives for Soar Higher Blog

Help, I Am Having A Baby!

Women can have babies by themselves, but any woman can tell you that they would rather have babies surrounded by support. Women who have experienced childbirth can tell you that labor is so intense, so painful, so unpredictable and so overwhelming that just having a hand to squeeze is a blessing.


Labor is hard, that’s why it is called labor. Of course, there is joy…but it is hard to remember the joy when those labor pains are sending shockwaves and contractions through your body with such force and regularity that you can’t catch your breath.


But then the baby comes….and you realize that it all was worth it.  When you are introduced to the wonderful being who you have nurtured, prayed for, sang to and dreamed about, you are grateful. You are thankful because though the delivery was arduous, the result was amazing!


You realize that…. the process was hard but it was worth it.


Making our dreams come true is like birthing babies. It’s joyous but those contractions – though different – are challenging. Those birthing pains – though not physical – are unpredictable, scary, consistent and jolting. Just like physical birth, you can’t always catch your breath as you deal with competing demands, complex negotiations, contrary people and sometimes, character assassination.  You can’t catch your breath because you are learning and doing….and doing and learning all at the same time.


You also can’t catch your breath because everything is happening so quickly and simultaneously. Technology is changing, marketing is changing, competition is changing, audiences are changing and the marketplace is changing. And guess what, you are changing. The process of pursuing your dream has changed you too. You are different now. But you can’t stop…. because now you are in labor.


So, what do you do now?  In the midst of labor, what do you need?


People of purpose, visionaries, change agents, innovators,  movement makers and dreamers need midwives. They need people who can help with the labor process. They need people who can remind them of their intrinsic value, their power, their purpose and their divine destination. They need cheerleaders, champions, and confidants. They need connectors, collaborators, and constructive critiques. Don’t miss the “constructive” part because fear to some degree is always an unwanted, but constant companion.


Bottom line: They need you!


If your loved one is in labor…. birthing a dream, a vision or a movement, I have shared 10 easy ways that you can offer support. The video was a FB LIVE post but I hope it will help you too. Just click the video below to review.


So…..What can we do? What can you do?


Let’s be midwives to and for each other. Why? Because we all have a job to do to serve this amazing world. We all have a special gift to offer the planet.We all have a significant role to play in the exciting experience called life.


I am also here to help you. If you are looking for a low-cost way to start your own birthing process — to begin your own entrepreneurial or life enrichment journey, I want to support you.  I can provide introductory support to you through RISE!


What’s RISE?


RISE: Life Masterclass is a 10-day journey with me delivered directly to your mobile device or computer. And it is only $7…. that’s less than the cost of a fast-food meal, but this meal will provide great nutrients for the soul and mind.


Click here for more information about RISE and why not register for RISE at the box at the bottom of the page?


Listen, you don’t have to LABOR alone. I am here to help you.  I know what factors can propel you forward in your life. And,  I know many midwives who can also support you  because I am constantly surrounded by winners —– like YOU!!!


Don’t forget to join the Dare To Soar Higher Mailing List. I don’t YOU want to miss the freebies, events or the newsletters.


Let’s RISE as we DARE to Soar Higher in every dimension of our lives.


Remember, we are in this together….nobody SOARS alone.   


Celebrating you and celebrating your success!


SharRon, Your Life Strategist

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Can You Hope Me?

I have learned that sometimes I don’t need help. I don’t need a ride, any advice, or a loan. I don’t need attention, a hot meal, or a favor. I don’t need to borrow expensive clothes, a fast car, or the use of a credit card. No, I don’t need anybody to help me. What I need is someone to hope me, because I have learned that hope is power.

Hope is fuel; it is a source of energy that encourages you to keep trying and to keep believing even when you want to give up. It is the power that spurs you on even in the face of uncertainty, failure, and fear. It is the momentum that pushes you to press beyond the pressure despite reports of impending doom and rumors of imminent danger. It is a “manifester” that helps you look past your immediate circumstances and helps you visualize the possibilities of the future. Hope is the engine in our lives.

Hope is a catalyst; it is a facilitator. It lifts you when you are depressed, sustains you when you are tired, and comforts you when you are lonely. Hope enlivens you, elevates you, and encourages you to persevere; it continues to say yes even when your body, mind, and spirit say no. Hope is a stimulus; it releases imagination, ignites creativity, and awakens ingenuity. And even in the face of insurmountable odds, hope activates; hope makes things happen. I have learned that hope provides the channel for blessings to flow.

So if I have to choose between help and hope, I choose hope. I choose hope because I have learned that hope expects, anticipates, predicts, and trust. It is more than optimism, and it is more than wishful thinking. It is faith that sees what I can’t see and knows what I don’t know. It is something that guides me and influences me to proceed even when reality, circumstances, experts, and my friends tell me to retreat, recede, and run.

The best thing about hope is that hope is an unlimited resource. It is a resource that you can decide to use sparingly or generously; the choice is yours. It is also a resource than can be applied to every aspect of your life because hope never runs out as long as you believe.

Help or Hope? I choose hope. If you want to add value to my life, give me hope. Speak to my soul and remind me that I am more than a conqueror. Remind me of my power, purpose, and potential. In the middle of a storm, remind me about the ever presence of God. Remind me of my own testimonies about how God brought me through and about how God brought me out. Yes, I may want help, but what I really need in life is hope, because hope is where our power lies.



**Chapter 35 of my newest book, I Have Learned A Few Things

Books are available on the website. Special pricing is available for book clubs.  And if you are interested in SharRon speaking at your next event, please complete the contact form.

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“I Have Always Done It That Way”

“I have always done it this way”. Haven’t we all said that? I know I have. I have made that statement hundreds of times.  In many ways and for many years, it was my default response. “I have always done it this way” was my “go to” reply when I was asked to do something differently or when I was asked to do something that I didn’t really want to do. In fact, it was my favorite retort when people asked me to consider news ideas, modify my behavior or questioned my views. “I have always done it this way” was my way of dodging conversations, avoiding conflict or escaping any responsibility to think critically about how I was living and navigating in the world. Trust me, it was an effective way to end any conversation and I used the statement indiscriminately, and yes, aggressively when I had no desire to change, think or engage. “I have always done it this way” was my tried-and-true strategy to be left alone. And I thought that my commitment to that 6 word phrase and that 6 word mentality served me well, at least that is what I believed.

But life has a wonderful way of showing us that our failure or inability to remain open to new ideas, different cultures, emerging paradigms, innovative solutions will limit us.  Yes, life has a way of teaching us that nothing good results from a closed mind, a closed heart or a close hand. Nothing!!  In fact, anything closed off, closed out, closed up or closed in eventually withers and dies. Just think about it. Careers, businesses, friendships, religions, relationships, plants, pets or anything important to us dies without an consistent inflow of fresh air, a steady  influx of new energy, an occasional introduction of new ways of thinking or the thoughtful implementation of new behaviors. Everything, and I mean everything, needs a constant supply of physical, spiritual and emotional oxygen to survive. Everything needs to be nurtured and challenged or it loses its vitality, vibrancy and its value.

Yes, I have learned that anything denied nourishment, engagement, growth or expression eventually dies. Let’s face it – our health deteriorates when it is neglected, careers die when they are not managed, communities crumble with they are abandoned, dreams are unrealized with they are not constantly pursued, and love dies when it is not cultivated.  Death is inevitable because desertion and demise go hand in hand. Resistance and regression are companions. Stifling and stopping are connected. Avoidance and apathy are attached. And, ignorance and inertia are always somehow linked, aren’t they? The truth is, having a closed mind, closed heart and a closed hand is a lethal combination; it is a recipe for disaster, destruction, disappointment, detachment and despair.

So how do we stay open? How do we remember that we don’t know it all? How do we stay connected to each other in the midst of our busy lives and competing demands? How do we stay receptive to new ideas and to the moving of the spirit? How do we consider different cultures, expose ourselves to diverse communities and listen to a variety of perspectives? How do we offer our services and support for the benefit of humanity? How do we abandon our arrogance and admit our ignorance long enough so that we can listen, laugh, learn and love?

I have learned that “I have always done it this way” is a trap that leaves little room for evolution, transformation, self-analysis and healing. Just my thoughts of course.

I would love to hear from you. How do you remain open so you don’t miss out on life, love, learning and living? Something to pause, ponder and pray about, right? I look forward to hearing from you.

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Stumble But Don’t Stop

I have learned that on your road to success, you will stumble. On your journey to greatness and significance, you will have mishaps, you will make mistakes, and you will make miscalculations. You may slip, trip, and fall even when you have properly planned, prepared, and positioned yourself to win. Unfortunately, you may also lose your balance because of competing demands, and you may lose your footing under the weight of mounting pressures. You may wallow, waver, and wobble privately and occasionally publicly. Stumbling is inevitable when you passionately pursue your dreams.

But it is at those critical times when you are slipping and sliding your way to success that you will be forced to make a critical choice. You will need to decide if you will become discouraged and stop or if you will become courageous and proceed. Both are choices, decisions, and options that only you can make. But remember that your decision will directly determine and/or influence your destiny and the trajectory of your life. Your choice will determine if you move closer to your dream or if you will move further away from your purpose.

So when, not if, you stumble, I hope you will choose to stumble but not stop. I hope you will use your mistakes to help you correct your course and redirect your efforts. I hope you will use your miscalculations to reassess your strategies and reallocate your resources. I pray that you will use your mishaps to consider new ideas and ponder new approaches. I hope that your slips encourage you to reevaluate paradigms and explore creative options. I hope your blunders reveal your true friends and expose your most destructive foes.

What I know for sure is that a stumble is just an event or experience; it is not an ending. It may be a fumble but not a finish. It is an error but not an exit. It is not just a loss but a lesson. It is not a defeat; it’s data. It is not fatal; it is fruitful. Stumbling is a process of small failures that set us up for significant victories. So be encouraged. Never forget that we stumble up to success; we don’t fall to fail.

Stumbling is a critical part of our journey. It plays an important role in our development and refinement processes. That’s good news! So follow your dreams, and don’t worry if you stumble, because the stumbles we make today will prepare us for whatever emerges tomorrow. So stumble but get back up, stand up, move up, and don’t give up, because God will always show up.

This is an excerpt from I Have Learned A Few Things. Are you ready to stumble? I am. Can’t wait to see where our stumbling leads us. Blessings!

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If you “fit in”, you will “fade out”

Most of my life I was called a misfit. Most of the groups that I so desperately wanted to join rejected me, excluded me or ridiculed me. They said that I was weird but what they didn’t realize was that I was not weird, I was severely wounded. I was hurting. Life had beat me in ways that I didn’t have the capacity to understand.

After I healed, I was still rejected, ignored and overlooked. In the eyes of the people I most wanted to accept me, I continued to be a misfit. I was labeled, and nothing would make me worthy enough to be in their cliques, or at least that is how I felt.

But I soon realized that my definition of “misfit” was not the same as their definition. And so, I re-framed the definition to honor me, to support me and to celebrate me.I changed the spelling and embraced the term, and felt powerful.I was not a misfit; I was “mis-fit”.

I accepted that I was a “mis-fit” because I realized that I was attempting to fit into places and with people who could not accept how God made me. I was a “mis-fit” because I realized that I was a circle who people wanted to fit into a square hole. I was a “mis-fit” because I was a person who demanded to live my own life without the permission, validation, or approval of others. I was a “mis-fit” because I refused to follow traditions that trapped me, norms that nullified me or stereotypes that subjugated me.

Gratefully, I accepted that I was a “mis-fit” and realized that if I kept trying to fit in that I would be a clone, an impostor and an actor who faded into their crowd.

Always remember that you are different and that God made you different to make a difference!! Do NOT fit in!  If you fit in you will fade out!

Please stand out! The world needs you to walk in all of your uniqueness so that you can demonstrate the diversity, the creativity and the divinity of a loving God.

Some still consider me a mis-fit but it doesn’t matter anymore. Why? Because I am healthy, wealthy and whole. I am SOARING to new heights as myself, the SharRon that  I LOVE. According to the words of Jill Scott, I am living my life like it’s golden.

I know you are living your life in a way that supports and sustains you too and so I celebrate you! I honor you! I thank you for being you!

If you need support helping you move and navigate more powerfully in your truth, please schedule a complimentary discovery session. I would love to meet with you and support you on your journey.

Please get my free gift.

Let’s Dare to Soar Higher as we live our truth in truth!



***I made a Facebook Live Video about being a “mis-fit”. I hope it encourages you to be who you are!!

Please get my free gift.

If you need support helping you move and navigate more powerfully in your truth, please single a complimentary discovery session. I would love to meet with you.

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PAST – Plague or Preparation

 It is so easy to get stuck in our stories. It is something about focusing on our problems, pains, and pitfalls that make us forget about our purpose, our power, and our own peace.  But what if we look at our past as a training ground, launching pad or an initiation ceremony? Instead of focusing on our wounds, what if we celebrated our wins?  Instead of complaining, what if we corrected what’s broken, created what doesn’t exist and cultivated what’s available? What if?

Not saying that our past is not painful; some of us have experienced horrendous events. But what if we decided to look back on our experiences through the lenses of love, through the filters of favor or through the eyes of expectation? What if we look above, beyond and around our pain to see glory, greatness, and gratitude? What if we decided to deal with ourselves in a way that propelled us forward and upward?

In my late twenties, I didn’t handle my past well and I got stuck. Even though I had dreams of being an author, I allowed my past to haunt and hinder me. I brought feelings of insecurity, inferiority, and invisibility to every experience, and I clung to my stories of “less than” and “not good enough” as if they were the unadulterated truth. I clung so hard and for so long to those toxic thoughts that I lost opportunities, ruined relationships, lost momentum, and jeopardized my health.

Thankfully, in my early 40s, I woke up; I had a few “aha” moments. I realized that my past provided wisdom, real gems, that helped me navigate successfully in the world. I acknowledged how my past positioned and equipped me to serve humanity in significant and profound ways.  I stopped lamenting about my losses, and I started leveraging the lessons. I applied the insight that I gained to design a fulfilling life for me, and now I also support others.

No, it was not easy and my journey continues.  However, I know that I won’t “arrive” because when you are committed to growth, you never really arrive. For growth-minded, high performing people, growth is a lifestyle, not a destination.

Over the last 2 decades, I have learned an important lesson. I have learned that our past can either plague us or prepare us. But the greatest gift is that WE, you and me, get to choose(from the upcoming book, Deciding to Soar 2).

I look forward to sharing more on the Dare to Soar Higher Coaching Guide Virtual Teal. Hope to see you on May 20th.  Register here

Also, if you are stuck in your stories or plagued by your past, I would love to support you. You can schedule an appointment or just send me a message at

I look forward to hearing from you.

Let’s dare to soar higher together!

SharRon, The Life Strategist

Order your copy of “Deciding to Soar” for only $15/$20 and get a free gift. Get your autographed copy here: or Hard-cover –



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Leaders Need To Share!

Being a leader is a privilege, not a position.

Having influence and being able to “speak” into, guide, impact and shape a person’s life is an honor. Such an honor, that I am humbled every time I am given access to a person’s heart, mind, soul or career. And trust me, it is “ACCESS” because people don’t have to let you into their heart or head space. They can fulfill their job requirements without being open, loyal and willing to hear you. They can perform physically, but not participate emotionally or spiritually. We all know that’s true.

If you are blessed to have influence in a person’s life, I have a few SOAR suggestions that you may want to consider so that you lead in a way that fosters trust, respect, commitment, and joy.

Soar Suggestions

If you won’t share the light, people will not share the heat.

If you won’t share the power, profits or the prestige, DO NOT expect people to share the PRESSURE!!!

If you won’t share the plan, don’t expect people to give their full participation.

If you won’t share the goods and the glory, don’t expect people to share their grit and their genius.

If you won’t share the bounty, don’t expect people to share their best.

If you won’t share the fruit, don’t expect people to share or care about your failure.

If you won’t share the truth, don’t expect people to give you their time.

If you won’t share the celebration, don’t expect people to give you their commitment.

If you won’t share justice, don’t expect people to work with joy.

If you won’t share transparency, don’t expect people to give you their trust.

If you don’t share your vision, don’t expect people to share your value.

If you don’t share responsibility, don’t expect people to take risks.

If you don’t provide development, don’t expect people to show desire.

If you don’t welcome diversity, don’t expect people not to be divided.

If you don’t give private reprimands, don’t expect people to take public risks.

If you don’t give ample opportunity, don’t expect people to take on added obligations.

If you don’t give acknowledgment, acceptance, and affirmation, don’t expect people to be available.

If you don’t give clear direction, don’t  expect people to seek development.

If you don’t share the wisdom, don’t expect to give their will or their good work.



Let’s Dare To Soar Higher as we Lead!


**If you don’t have my FREE Dare to Soar Higher Coaching, please visit my website.

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LOVE Lifted ME!!

“Love lifHealthy_Heart_Strong_Muscles_ted me, Love Lifted me, when nothing else could help, Love lifted me”. This chorus is part of a hymn that I learned as a little girl. I remember singing the chorus loudly and passionately, even though I did not know what love was or what it meant to be lifted. I just sang the song and enjoyed the enthusiastic applause from the adults.

But a few years ago, I heard the song again and the words made me consider the meaning of love, and the ability of love to lift people. What I know for sure is that love can lift – elevate, excite, empower and encourage – only if love contains the right elements. What are the right elements? I am glad that you asked.

I have learned that love can L.I.F.T. if the love that is offered and received is LIBERATING and not LIMITING.

I believe that liberating love is vital because liberating love allows us to grow, to express and to ewomen_s_liberation_statuexperience all of who we are, and provides space to imagine all that we can be. It removes the shackles of labels, expectations, roles and assumptions that deprive all of us of our personality, individuality, and creativity.

Liberating love doesn’t silence our voices, dismiss our dreams, extinguish our passions or discount our purpose. No, liberating love energizes us and electrifies us; it produces, it sparks and it initiates.  Most of all, it allows us and our relationships to evolve without demanding that we conform to relationship models or paradigms that fail to support, serve or satisfy our innermost desires and our needs. Liberating love frees us spiritually, emotionally and mentally.  It lets us BE!

Yes, liberating love provides freedom – freedom to transform, freedom to reform, and the freedom to create our own norm. Liberating love is expansive and challenges us to unleash our maximum potential, discover endless possibilities and pursue our God-given destinies. Liberating love encourages us to live our lives on purpose, without permission, without validation, and without apology. It invites us to be full, fulfilled and fruitful.

fear1If liberating love is so amazing, why do we so often attract and cling to love that is limiting? The answer is simple – FEAR. Many of us fear the unknown, the unexpected, the unpredictable and the untried. Many times we reject anything out of the ordinary or anything outside of our experience. Sometimes we are so controlled by fear that we emotionally and intellectually starve our relationships and let them decline, dissolve and disintegrate into habits, formalities, and routines that rob us of joy, growth, happiness, or stimulation.

So how can we ensure that your love is liberating? Here are a few steps you can take to ensure that your relationships stay fluid, fulfilling and fun.

1) Be open to new, new everything – experiences, events, people, philosophies, countries, contexts, etc. Allow yourself to experience anything and everything, legally that is, that tickles your fancy. That way you have an opportunity to learn what you do like and what you don’t like.

2) Be adventurous and take risks, calculated risks that offer opportunities to broaden your perspectives.  Keep in mind that the broader you go, that more you will know and the more you will grow.

3) Be willing to be uncomfortable and always remember that discomfort is a part of learning, living and growing.  Don’t do what you have always done or you will have what you have always had. Explore!

goodnewsThe good news is that our relationships don’t have to be regulated and relegated to rules, regulations and rubrics that promote mediocrity, dullness, and disconnection. We can change and create relationships that release us to strive and soar. We can make relationship decisions that unlock new passions, offer new perspectives and transform our lives. We can choose liberating love and honor ourselves and our partners. ( From my upcoming book, I Have Learned A Few MORE Things)

The morale of the story: You be You, I will be Me and together We both will be free!

“No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow. ” – Alice Walker

Stay tuned because I plan to continue this series in the coming weeks.

I was recently featured in Today’s Purpose Woman magazine. If you have a moment, I hope you will check it out. Click Here To Read

Dare to Soar Higher!







P.S.  Don’t forget about our new anthology, I Bared My Chest. I Bared My Chest  will be available in early November. You don’t want to miss this amazing anthology. 21 of us bare our chest – we share our stories –  to inspire women to be open, to get emotionally naked, so that they can be FREE – free of self-judgement, free of low-esteem, free of self-loathing, and free of low expectations. FREE!!!

I will share more next week.


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My Mother Taught Me…..

2 heartsAround Mother’s Day, I always pause to reflect on what I have learned from my mother. As I quiet my mind, I try to review what I was taught, directly and indirectly, about sisterhood, womanhood, femininity and me. I try to identify messages that made me, motivated me, molded me and mobilized me. I also attempt, without blaming, to detect messages that messed me UP and systemically dismantled my self-esteem and eroded my self-confidence. I also try to recognize what messages restored me, rejuvenated me and reconnected me to my own spirit and helped me rediscover the depths of my soul.

I reflect patiently, critically and sometimes tearfully. For some reason around Mother’s Day, I have a greater desire to understand messages that were given to me by my mother.  I want to understand what beliefs she passed on to me and why. I also want to know what shaped her beliefs and where her beliefs originated. The lineage and history of her passed-down lessons are important because the source of the shared life lessons provide greater insight into who she is.

I can admit it. Even though I am a half-century young, I still want to know more about my momma.  I crave to know more about her spiritually, emotionally and energetically because I am convinced that the more I know about her will consequently help me learn additional information about me.

Every year I keep exploring even though I understand that I may not know and never know how my life intersects with my mother and my grandmother.  I realize that all the ways that we are similar may never be exposed, but I know my genes know. The experiences and information about my mother and my ancestors are somehow encoded in my DNA, and I have already unknowingly passed those lessons on to my son, Tariq.

It takes effort to conduct this annual analysis; I am usually crying, journaling, talking and laughing all at the same. It is something about reminiscing about my upbringing that evokes so many emotions, sometimes conflicting emotions, for me and in me. However, I stay focused and committed to the process because it’s important for me to understand a few things. For example:

  • How are the beliefs that were inculcated in my youth and reinforced in my rearing still relevant for me today?
  • Is what I learned about women still pertinent today?
  • Is what I observed about the definition and demonstration of femininity still important?
  • Is what I learned about sisterhood still valuable or viable?
  • What beliefs do I have about women that need to be discarded and deleted from my mind?
  • What beliefs need to be examined so that they can be reframed in my consciousness?
  • What beliefs are helpful and need to restored so that they can better sustain me as I age?
  • What….?

Spiritual JourneyI always love to take journeys and so I invite you this Mother’s Day to take a stroll down your own Mother memory lane. Let’s walk together thoughtfully with open hearts, open minds and open spirits to discover some truths. Let’s walk slowly enough so we don’t overlook any lessons that will be revealed, explained or negated. Let’s walk with a purpose to better understand how your mother’s presence shaped you or how her absence scarred you. Let’s walk together. I have provided questions to help us as we walk.

As you are embarking on your own Mother Reflection journey, remember that it may be a happy journey or one filled with tears.  It may be a discovery journey or a gratitude journey or a confusing journey or a forgiveness journey; all of them are critical to your emotional cleansing and spiritual awareness.

No matter how your journey turns out, trust me, the emotional stroll will be life-altering. Every step you courageously take will bring you closer to who you are and what you need to be at peace with your mother, maybe not forever, but just for today, Mother’s Day.

To all the women who bravely and generously shared and continue to share themselves with others, who gave kisses and hugs, who gave discipline and guidance, who instilled confidence and motivation in the lives of others……Happy Mother’s Day!

love-and-relationshipsTo my own Mom:  Mommy, I am thinking about you and I am thinking about us. I love you.

Your daughter,    SharRon (Ron-Ron, Sharry, Ron-O, #2 and all of the other nicknames that I can’t remember or chose to forget)


****Excerpt from the Mother Reflection Book. To receive the Mother’s Day Reflection book,Click Here

Hope to see you Saturday, May 14th.



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I Know You Ain’t Talking To Me Like That!

love-and-relationships“I know you ain’t talking to me like that!”
I don’t know about you but I have thought or said those words many times when people have spoken to me in ways that I felt were unacceptable or inappropriate. When people have spoken to me in condescending tones or in a patronizing manner, I immediately address their rudeness tactfully, or at least I attempt to. There is something about disrespect and disrespectful communication that shake me at my core. Honestly, it makes my blood boil, and I always feel the need to address it immediately and emphatically, yet diplomatically. As a personal commitment to myself, I always speak up.

Dealing with rude people who I don’t know or don’t have a relationship with is difficult enough. But interacting with people who speak to me in degrading, offensive and patronizing ways who also claim to love and respect me is extremely problematic; it is downright painful.  Listening to a person who claims to love me speak to me in a demeaning way makes me feel a whole range of emotions, and none of the emotions are positive.  And even though there are many psychological and communication theories that explain the impact of tough tones and rough words, I am convinced that my son expressed it best when he was just 4 years old. He said, “Mommy, when you yell at me like that it hurts me in my ears and it hurts me in my heart”.

Wow! The comment stopped me in my tracks and made me realize how careless communication damages the spirit and sometimes causes irrevocable damage in a relationship. Like my son so eloquently expressed, hurtful words and hurtful tones linger in the heart and can reverberate in your ears for weeks, sometimes months and sometimes years.  And the sad part is that you can never recall the words or delete the encounter etched in the minds of your loved ones. You can’t un-ring the proverbial bell.

2 heartsSo I want to offer a few tips that may help you when and if your loved one has a temporary and infrequent communication lapse. In other words, when she/he has a melt-down and has a bout of temporary insanity and speaks to you in a disparaging way. And I emphasize two words: temporary and infrequent. If you and your partner have frequent communication lapses (yelling, biting comments, condescending tones, insults, etc.) or consistently communicate with each other in disrespectful ways that is indicative of a larger problem. Consistent disrespect is beyond the scope of this post.

Tip #1: Recognize that people who feel or have been wounded often yell the loudest and the most. People who don’t feel acknowledged, cared for, appreciated and protected, in general or in the moment, often respond in ways that are totally disproportionate to the situation. Their over-the-top responses and comments are not always all about you. Their responses are usually about their own emotional triggers that have been activated by something or someone. And, many times they are usually not emotionally aware that the have been triggered; they don’t know what’s going on until it is too late. They are just responding and reacting without thinking or considering the impact of their words or identifying the origin of their discontent. They are just lashing out and unfortunately causing all types of emotional trauma in relationships. Does that sound like you?

Tip #2: Recognize that people who feel or have felt powerless may respond aggressively to perceived slights. It is a known fact that people tend to be hyper-sensitive and over-react when they feel vulnerable, weak, helpless and hopeless. When some people don’t feel in control of their circumstances or they don’t feel in control of themselves, they may also project their feelings on to you. Instead of looking inward to effectively address their discomfort, they look outward, and oftentimes outward in your direction. If they are emotionally immature or/and under a significant amount of stress, they may also resort to blaming, shifting responsibility, justifying, yelling or other manipulative tactics in efforts to point the finger at you. Why?  Because looking at themselves is too painful or too overwhelming; sometimes it is just emotionally too hard for them to admit their own pain, issues, mistakes and failures. Also, the hard truth is that most people are better at causing pain for others than they are dealing with or feeling their own pain so lashing out is unfortunately their first defense. Of course that does not absolve them of their responsibility to act in a loving way, but it is something to keep in mind.

Tip #3: Recognize that some people don’t know how to access or explain their emotions and feelings and so they act out. Yes, I said it – adults have tantrums, terrible tantrums. Some adults act up and they act out when they are unable to express their thoughts, feelings and perspectives in way that makes them feel heard. I have even known couples to resort to what I call low level communication – name-calling, cursing, sarcasm, and innuendo when they feel incapable of adequately conveying their sentiments.  In fact, when some people are unable to identify their emotions and articulate their feelings they “hit below the belt” and will sometimes say things that feel unforgivable. If or when they are unable to say “I feel frustrated, I feel scared, I feel ashamed, I feel disappointed, I feel angry, I feel lonely” or whatever the emotion is, they are more prone to respond in childish ways that are emotionally destructive and spiritually damaging to the relationship.

Being spoken to in a way that feels disrespectful is never good; it can feel insulting, embarrassing and humiliating. And when you don’t respond in a way that (you perceive)restores your respect or challenges the disrespect, it can make you feel cowardly and ashamed.  But if we are honest, we all can admit that we have had communication lapses. We all, at one time or another, have done some yelling or have been yelled at during our life. And we all have also been the recipient as well as the perpetrator of some offensive and patronizing interactions too.

communicate-better-w-love_detail200So here is the take-away. When your spouse, partner or loved one has a communication lapse, remind yourself that the reaction is not always solely about you. Some of their reactions may be their own internal emotional stuff surfacing.  So don’t always make it about you and don’t always make it your sole responsibility to placate her/him. Remind your partner that you love her, that you are willing to listen, and that you are willing to help as long as it is done with and in love and with and in respect. Trust me, just knowing that you are willing and ready to listen to him is healing and prevents him for feeling that you don’t care. Not being or feeling heard is a something that we all have felt and it does not feel good, right?

Like I said before, infrequent communication lapses are problematic enough and need to be addressed. But consistent, out of control rants should never been tolerated. As long as communication lapses are the exception and not the rule, be encouraged. You can work on yourself to better identify, process and engage your own emotions. And, you can practice communicating with you partner in a direct, yet loving way.

So if you have a communication lapse, quickly admit your mistake, apologize for communicating in a dishonoring way, and commit to do better. Get help, practice new techniques, read some books and go to relationship coaching. Don’t let a temporary lapse cause you to lose a permanent relationship. Get help! You deserve it and your partner does too.  (From the upcoming book ; ” I Have Learned A Few Things About Love”)

Blessings! SharRon20141218-_DSC4819-Editsharronretouched



We will discuss more tips at the “Are You Ready For Love” Seminar. Have you registered?   Click here! Are You Ready For Love?    Hope to see you there!




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