Lately, I’ve been thinking about the conversations we have when life becomes complicated.

You know…the conversations that happen when we’re trying to decide whether to leave a job, start a business, retire from our job, write a book, rebuild our confidence, navigate faith, strengthen a relationship, leave a marriage, move to a different city, or simply figure out what comes next. Yes, those conversations. 

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had many of those conversations with my friends and clients. Although each person’s story was unique, one statement kept surfacing:

“I asked for advice, but I left the conversation feeling worse.”

That sentence stayed with me because it saddens me when people ask for advice and then leave the conversations feeling defeated, ashamed, and belittled. Nobody deserves to feel that way, especially when they are being courageous and vulnerable enough to ask for help.

The statement also reminded me of something my elders taught me many years ago. They would often say, “You see based on where you sit.”

At the time, I thought my elders were simply talking about perspective.

But looking back, I realize they were teaching me something much deeper. They were teaching me: 1) how to understand people, 2) how to understand myself, and 3) how to recognize the kind of wisdom I would need throughout my life.

So, What Did My Elders Mean?

My elders were trying to help me understand that each of us sits in many different “seats.”

Some seats are obvious. Others are invisible. Some are chosen. Others are assigned.

For example:

Race is a seat.

Gender is a seat.

Age is a seat.

Faith is a seat.

Being a caregiver is a seat.

Being an entrepreneur is a seat.

Living with a disability is a seat.

Being a first-generation college graduate is a seat.

Military service is a seat.

Grief is a seat.

Poverty is a seat.

Privilege is a seat.

And the list goes on.

Every one of us occupies many seats, and those seats shape how we experience the world.

Those seats influence what we notice.

What we fear.

What we prepare for.

What opportunities we believe are available to us.

What risks we’re willing to take.

What societal hurdles we anticipate and MUST address.

And yes, they influence the kind of wisdom we need to be successful.

NOTE: The seats we sit in do not determine our worth. Nor do they define the fullness of who we are. But our seats are valuable sources of insight that help us understand how to move wisely and effectively through the world while remaining true to who we are.

Why Does This Matter?

Understanding our seats can help us. Let me share a personal example of why.

Early in my corporate career, I received advice from someone I deeply respected. His advice itself wasn’t wrong. But it simply wasn’t complete or took into account who I was as a young Black woman leader who was leading a group of white men who resented being led by me. (I am writing about this story in my upcoming book.)

Here is what happened: He encouraged me to be more direct, more assertive, and more willing to challenge ideas in meetings. He thought my behaving in that way would make me appear decisive, confident, and executive.

But his advice backfired!!!! 

When I followed his advice, I was often perceived very differently. Instead of being seen as confident, I was viewed as confrontational. Instead of being seen as decisive, I was viewed as aggressive. Instead of being seen as thoughtful and strategic, I was called the B word. People made all kinds of disparaging comments behind my back. 

Following his advice affected my credibility, my reputation, and even my ability to lead my team effectively. It was a career-heartbreaking experience, and something that took years of intense therapy to process and recover from.

That painful experience taught me something I have never forgotten: GOOD advice isn’t universal. It’s contextual.

I’ve seen the same reality in many other situations.

I’ve seen younger professionals criticized for approaching work differently, even though they entered adulthood during a vastly different time in history.

I’ve seen it in faith communities, where two people can worship in the same sanctuary yet experience the same faith community in profoundly different ways.

I’ve seen similar situations with people who are differently abled, veterans, first-generation college graduates, first-generation entrepreneurs, caregivers, and countless others.

Why? Because…

Different seats.

Different realities.

Different variables.

…create different outcomes.

Why Should We Care?

Because I believe you and I deserve GOOD advice.

Not advice that simply sounds impressive.

Not advice based only on someone else’s experience.

You and I deserve advice that honors the fullness of our lives and appreciates the fullness of who we are.

You deserve advice that:

• considers your realities.
• respects your complexities.
• acknowledges your responsibilities.
• recognizes your opportunities and your obstacles.
• helps you become more strategic and savvy.
• considers your talents, gifts, and abilities.

We all deserve advice that leaves us feeling:

• more confident, not more confused.
• more empowered, not more defeated.
• more resourceful, not more inadequate.
• more directed, not more denied.

That’s the kind of wisdom every one of us deserves.

Four Gentle Reminders

So…as you continue making important decisions, please remember these four factors.

First, honor the seats you occupy.

Your seats are not weaknesses. They are part of your lived experience, and they offer valuable insight into how you navigate the world.

Second, pay attention to whether people understand your reality.

No one has to share every seat you occupy, but they should care enough to understand the ones that matter most.

Third, evaluate advice before you apply it.

Every piece of advice should be filtered through the realities of your own life, your values, your responsibilities, and your purpose.

Finally, remain discerning.

Someone may have remarkable education, extraordinary experience, or tremendous success and still not be emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, or socially equipped to guide you through a particular season of your life.

Remember: Discernment isn’t distrust. It’s wisdom.

As you reflect this week, please take a few moments to ask these questions before you implement ANY advice you receive that will impact your life:

• What seats have shaped the way I experience the world?
• How have those seats influenced the opportunities I pursue, the challenges I anticipate, and the wisdom I need?
• Am I honoring my own lived experience when I make important decisions?

Let’s Continue the Conversation…

️ If this message resonated with you, I hope you’ll listen to this week’s podcast, where I explore this conversation in greater depth.

Then join me on YouTube and continue the discussion. I’d love to hear about the “seats” that have shaped your life and the lessons they’ve taught you.

️ Also, please subscribe to the podcast. I can only grow the community through your support.

 If someone came to mind while reading this, share it with them. Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer another person is helping them feel seen and reminding them that they are not alone. 

Until next time, honor your seats and continue to DARE TO SOAR HIGHER, trusting that your seats will help you be who YOU were called to be.

Benediction

May you honor the many seats that have shaped your journey without allowing them to diminish your purpose or your possibilities.

May your lived experiences become sources of wisdom that help you navigate your life with greater clarity, courage, and confidence.

May you find advisors who care enough to understand the realities you navigate, wise enough to recognize what they don’t know, and humble enough to listen and learn.

May the counsel you receive leave you more informed, more resourceful, and better equipped to make life-enriching decisions that nourish your soul and support who you are becoming.

And as you encounter people sitting in seats different from your own, may you offer them the same curiosity, compassion, and grace you deserve, trusting that your seats can help you become even more of who YOU were called to be.

Blessings!

SharRon