Some People Don’t Act Like Sanctuaries; They Act Like Cesspools.

Yes, I said it, and I will not take it back.

I know that my words may sound harsh, but I say it with love because I want to protect you from the pain of misplaced trust. 

Because…

When we are tired, hungry for relief, and longing to be understood, it is easy to let our guard down. And in those moments of need, or when we feel incredibly vulnerable, we often mistake availability for suitability. So, despite not knowing a person’s character and motives, we over-share and disclose sensitive information about our lives with people who may not genuinely care about us, our reputations, or our careers.

Sound familiar? If so, you are not alone.

It may be hard to admit, but throughout our careers, we have all shared sensitive information about ourselves with the wrong people. Why? Because it is human to desire a safe place to “lay your burdens down.” Yet when political division is high and personal compassion is low, we must be more discerning and thoughtful about what we disclose and with whom we trust our truths.

The truth is, some people lack the capacity or desire to support us.

Why?

• They have not done their own personal work, and they do not know who they are.
• They may not have developed spiritually or emotionally enough to handle and protect confidential information with care.
• They have not challenged their own cultural assumptions, corporate motives, or historical narratives, and so they feel entitled to harm without accountability or concern.
• They are just mean-spirited. Yes, some people are just cruel and vindictive.

When we share with people like that, those who are incapable of being emotional sanctuaries, we suffer. We suffer because unhealed or morally empty people will betray us. They wound us with our own words. They weaponize our work. They will steal our ideas. They will destroy us with our own disclosures. Sometimes they repeat our confessions to our enemies or in spaces we never authorized. Additionally, they misrepresent our thoughts or exaggerate our statements, turning our personal pain into gossip rather than being met with understanding and compassion.

I have personally been hurt by confiding in a colleague whom I thought was trustworthy. Over dinner, I once shared that I was having a medical procedure. And a week after my disclosure, I learned that my colleague had been awarded an assignment for which I was uniquely qualified and had advocated to lead.

How did she get it? She “let it slip” to leadership that I was sick and claimed my medical issues would make me unavailable to attend meetings and unable to complete the assignment. I was livid because I never said that, but that was what she shared.

When I confronted her, she offered tears and insisted she was “protecting me” because she cared. Cared? No. It was all lies. She ONLY cared about herself and her career.

The truth was that I should never have disclosed something so personal because she had done nothing to earn my trust. Nothing. What I later realized was that my colleague viewed my medical crisis as an opportunity to advance her career. But karma had the final word, and she flopped. After all, she was never qualified to lead the project.

It was a painful lesson, but it taught me something I will never forget: trust must be earned, not assumed. And my need for comfort can never outweigh my need for discernment.

So how do we avoid these pitfalls? How do you not get sucked in like I did? How do we distinguish between individuals who are truly sanctuaries and those who are cesspools? The answer is Discernment, and Discernment shows up in the patterns we notice and the questions we dare to ask about how a person shows up in the world.

Here are some clues to look for BEFORE you trust others with your truth.

1. Look at how they live their lives.

Do they walk their talk? Do their choices match their words? If a person does not live with alignment, they will not hold your life with integrity. Remember, you will know who people are by what they do, not by what they say. Their habits, commitments, and relationships will reveal whether they can handle the weight of your disclosure. Never assume someone has the capacity to hold your story if they have never demonstrated the capacity to hold their own.

2. Notice if they are always talking about others.

If someone freely shares stories that are not theirs to share, you can be certain that your story will eventually be added to the mix. It does not matter if they hide names or sprinkle in disclaimers. If they do not respect the boundaries of another person’s life, they will not respect the boundaries of yours. Remember, discussing people without their permission is a red flag. Gossipers may entertain you today, but they will expose you tomorrow.

3. Pay attention to reciprocal sharing.

Healthy relationships require balance. It is one thing to share openly with a counselor, minister, or mentor, because those roles are built on intentional one-way disclosure. But it is very different when you are in peer relationships. If you share all of your struggles, scars, and stories, and the other person offers nothing about themselves, the relationship is lopsided. You are giving them your truths, your fears, and your innermost thoughts, and you are getting nothing in return. This imbalance can turn into exploitation.

I live by a personal policy: I do not share with people who do not share with me. It protects my spirit and ensures there is a mutual exchange of trust.

4. Be cautious of those who have nothing to lose.

If a person has nothing at stake, then they also have nothing restraining them from betraying you. People who lack stability, accountability, or credibility may see your story as currency. They may treat your vulnerability as something to leverage instead of something to protect. Before you trust, ask yourself: What would it cost this person to violate me? If the answer is “nothing,” then they are not safe.

5. Confess up, share laterally.

When you are in a leadership position, you must respect the boundaries of hierarchy. Your direct reports are not your confidants. They may be kind, loyal, and even trustworthy, but the relationship is not structured for them to carry your personal burdens or most profound truths. Sharing downward creates confusion and undermines your leadership.

The wise path is to confess upward to mentors, spiritual advisors, or professional guides, and share laterally with trusted peers who are not dependent on you. Confess up. Share across. Never confess down.

6. Remember the climate we live in.

The world is charged with vitriol, inequity, and division. Unfortunately, that same toxicity flows into our corporations, churches, and communities. One wrong word can cost you a career. A misplaced story can fracture a friendship.

The weight of leadership, identity, and survival is heavy. That is why Discernment is not just wise, it is necessary. Not everyone possesses the emotional intelligence, moral compass, or spiritual maturity to navigate the complexities of your truth.

7. Some people who seem like assistants are actually assassins.

This is a harsh truth: some of the people closest to you are not your allies. They are clever, cunning, and strategically placed assassins who were sent to study you. They are there to collect data, to identify your vulnerabilities, learn your weaknesses, and understand your patterns. They are on assignment to study your pain, expose your weaknesses, and assess the depth of your expertise. They seem curious and concerned, but they are cunning and calculating. Their presence is not benign; it is a well-constructed plot.

How do you know? They always seem to be around when you are stressed, insecure, or after difficult conversations. They are privy to details about your life that you have never shared publicly. They are always present during your breakdowns, but absent during your breakthroughs. They are quick to offer advice and appear to mentor you, while secretly sharpening a knife to stab you in the back.

They are not there because they care about you, your reputation, or your well-being. They are there because their egos are inflated, but are unaware they are actually being used as tools—played like fools—by those who are even more corrupt.

It is sad, but true.

So, trust your gut. Ask yourself: Why is this person always around when I am struggling? Why do they insist on “picking my brain” or “seeking my guidance”? Why are they the first to nominate me for opportunities that could kill my reputation, derail my career, or put me in harm’s way?

Do not be naive. Just because they are close does not mean they are concerned. They are present only to cut, collect, consume, and control, but NEVER to care.

That is why Discernment is key. By tracking patterns, questioning motives, and trusting intuition, you can prevent a lot of heartache. If something feels off or unsettles you, do not lower your guard.

Five Things You Can Do When You Need a Safe Place

1. Pause before you pour. Sit with your feelings first so you know what you truly need.
2. Pray or journal. Sometimes your safest sanctuary is your own spirit or your own page.
3. Identify one vetted confidant. Choose someone who has shown alignment, reciprocity, and confidentiality.
4. Seek professional safe spaces. Therapists, coaches, mentors, or spiritual advisors are trained to carry what peers cannot.
5. Create community with caution. Build circles of trust slowly, based on receipts, not rhetoric. Safe spaces are cultivated, not assumed.

My friend, be careful. Be mindful. Know the difference between a sanctuary and a cesspool.

A person who is a sanctuary will witness you without wounding you. A cesspool will pollute what is pure.
A person who is a sanctuary will protect your secrets. A cesspool will spread them like waste.
A person who is a sanctuary will affirm your humanity. A cesspool will erode your confidence, your character, and your calling.

Remember, this is not about labeling people as bad. It is about recognizing who has done their own emotional work and who has not.

So, choose wisely where you rest your soul, where you place your trust, and where you plant your most vulnerable truths so you can SOAR!

Blessings.

SharRon

Three Affirmations for Safety and Discernment

1. I deserve safe spaces that honor my truth and protect my heart.
2. I trust myself to discern between sanctuaries and cesspools.
3. My vulnerability is sacred.